What The Haters Have All Wrong About Oprah & Stedman’s Love Story – Nicki Swift

After 40 years together, Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham’s haters believe they likely regret not taking the time to make their relationship legal. To some, a relationship of this longevity without official commitment is illogical. “Why are they still together? That is very bad,” an X user argued in 2018. But they would be wrong. Oprah and Stedman consciously decided not to get married many years ago — and never changed their minds. And they firmly believe their decision is the main secret to their long-lasting partnership.

In fact, they go so far as to argue their relationship would have failed had they tied the knot. In their worldview, marriage has a specific meaning, one that doesn’t fit their lifestyle. “His interpretation of what it means to be a husband and what it would mean for me to be a wife would have been pretty traditional, and I would not have been able to fit into that,” she told Vogue in 2017. In hindsight, she sees that she would have had to choose between marriage and her career.

By keeping their relationship outside of the traditional mold, they shed the expectations. “He’s a traditional man and this is a very untraditional relationship. I think it’s acceptable as a relationship, but if I had the title ‘wife,’ I think there would be other expectations for what a wife is and what a wife does,” Oprah told Access Hollywood in 2013 (via New York Post). By keeping her relationship untraditional, Oprah managed to keep both her long-term partner and astonishing career. It’s hard to argue that’s not a win-win.

Oprah Winfrey never regretted not marrying or having kids, as the untraditional route has suited her just fine. That doesn’t mean she never had doubts. In fact, Oprah and Stedman were actually once engaged, though it didn’t last long. “I really wanted to be wanted to be married to,” Oprah said on OWN’s “SuperSoul Sunday” in a conversation with Shonda Rhimes (via HuffPost). “I wanted Stedman to want to marry me.” So, she said ‘yes,’ and the two set a date to wed in 1993.

But Oprah immediately had doubts. “The moment he asked me to marry him I was, like … ‘Now I actually have to get married?'” she recalled. Because the festivities would have coincided with a book deal Oprah had recently agreed to, Stedman suggested they postpone the wedding. The postponement became the final decision, and they never discussed the matter again. “What I realized is, I don’t want to be married,” Oprah said. “Because I could not have the life that I created for myself.”

However, she experienced another twinge of doubt in 2013, when Tina Turner married her second husband, Erwin Bach. Turner had been with Bach for 37 years, having followed a similar path to Oprah and Stedman until they decided to tie the knot 27 years into their relationship. Her friend’s journey gave her pause for a second. “Tina was like, ‘Oprah, you need to do this. You need to do it,'” Oprah recalled in the 2013 Access Hollywood interview. The doubt was short-lived, though. “I was just thinking, ‘Well, OK, would things really be different?’ And no, I don’t think so,” she concluded.